Ruthless Trust

Today was a tough day for me, but not as tough as it could have been.  First, I need to say that God has gifted me with the most incredibly loving and beautiful people who I call friends.  These wonderful people will never know the huge part they have played in helping me to not allow a single test to define me.  On the heels of learning to bar results, the family cat Mel had to be put to sleep.  Today was one heck of a shitty day (sorry for the naughty word, but I think that God might just agree with me!)

The day I finished the bar exam, in July, I was filled with a sense of peace.  I made a conscious decision that day…..I was going to practice ruthless trust in my God.  I was going to believe that no matter the outcome of the results, I would trust that He knew, He had a plan, and that it would be to prosper me, not to harm me.

When I stared at the results and my name was not on the list, my stomach sunk, my heart rose in my throat, and I fought the tears.  Then I felt numb for about a minute.  As I sat in my quiet front room, I remembered my promise to practice ruthless trust.  I went to the dictionary --- imagine that, I mean I still am a law school graduate!  One goes to the source!  Ruthless means having no pity.  That means no pity for myself.  No holding back.  No sinking in sorrow.  No falling into a pit of despair.  Got it.  Trust has many meanings.  There are legal definitions, moral ones, academic ones…. All kinds.  But here is what websters says Trust means:  Trust:  a : assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b : one in which confidence is placed.

There it is.  I know my God, I know His promises.  I know that He set me on this journey seven years ago.  I know that there is a provision, a blessing in not passing.  I don’t know what that is.  I don’t know what is going to happen over the next six months……but I KNOW in the pit of my soul, where my heart beats, that His plan is perfect……my confidence is placed in Him.

I am not going to pretend I am not disappointed.  Likely when this slumber party is over, and the girls are gone, I am going to take a “me” moment and cry.  Not with pity, not with defeat, not with hopelessness, not even out of fear….. I will cry because I believe that God gives us tears to cleanse the hurt out.  When I am done, I will focus on tomorrow.  I will focus on what needs to be done to climb the mountain.

Ruthless trust does not mean I won’t hurt……..ruthless trust means that when everything looks like the odds are stacked against me, I will turn my face to the One that sustains me.  I am willing to ride in that car, with Him behind the wheel – even if I  have no idea where it’s going.  My confidence is grounded  in the belief that the road was paved before me.