Today was a tough day for me, but not as tough as it could have been. First, I need to say that God has gifted me with the most incredibly loving and beautiful people who I call friends. These wonderful people will never know the huge part they have played in helping me to not allow a single test to define me. On the heels of learning to bar results, the family cat Mel had to be put to sleep. Today was one heck of a shitty day (sorry for the naughty word, but I think that God might just agree with me!)
The day I finished the bar exam, in July, I was filled with a sense of peace. I made a conscious decision that day…..I was going to practice ruthless trust in my God. I was going to believe that no matter the outcome of the results, I would trust that He knew, He had a plan, and that it would be to prosper me, not to harm me.
When I stared at the results and my name was not on the list, my stomach sunk, my heart rose in my throat, and I fought the tears. Then I felt numb for about a minute. As I sat in my quiet front room, I remembered my promise to practice ruthless trust. I went to the dictionary --- imagine that, I mean I still am a law school graduate! One goes to the source! Ruthless means having no pity. That means no pity for myself. No holding back. No sinking in sorrow. No falling into a pit of despair. Got it. Trust has many meanings. There are legal definitions, moral ones, academic ones…. All kinds. But here is what websters says Trust means: Trust: a : assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b : one in which confidence is placed.
There it is. I know my God, I know His promises. I know that He set me on this journey seven years ago. I know that there is a provision, a blessing in not passing. I don’t know what that is. I don’t know what is going to happen over the next six months……but I KNOW in the pit of my soul, where my heart beats, that His plan is perfect……my confidence is placed in Him.
I am not going to pretend I am not disappointed. Likely when this slumber party is over, and the girls are gone, I am going to take a “me” moment and cry. Not with pity, not with defeat, not with hopelessness, not even out of fear….. I will cry because I believe that God gives us tears to cleanse the hurt out. When I am done, I will focus on tomorrow. I will focus on what needs to be done to climb the mountain.
Ruthless trust does not mean I won’t hurt……..ruthless trust means that when everything looks like the odds are stacked against me, I will turn my face to the One that sustains me. I am willing to ride in that car, with Him behind the wheel – even if I have no idea where it’s going. My confidence is grounded in the belief that the road was paved before me.