Friday, September 24, 2010

Ruthless Trust

Today was a tough day for me, but not as tough as it could have been.  First, I need to say that God has gifted me with the most incredibly loving and beautiful people who I call friends.  These wonderful people will never know the huge part they have played in helping me to not allow a single test to define me.  On the heels of learning to bar results, the family cat Mel had to be put to sleep.  Today was one heck of a shitty day (sorry for the naughty word, but I think that God might just agree with me!)

The day I finished the bar exam, in July, I was filled with a sense of peace.  I made a conscious decision that day…..I was going to practice ruthless trust in my God.  I was going to believe that no matter the outcome of the results, I would trust that He knew, He had a plan, and that it would be to prosper me, not to harm me.

When I stared at the results and my name was not on the list, my stomach sunk, my heart rose in my throat, and I fought the tears.  Then I felt numb for about a minute.  As I sat in my quiet front room, I remembered my promise to practice ruthless trust.  I went to the dictionary --- imagine that, I mean I still am a law school graduate!  One goes to the source!  Ruthless means having no pity.  That means no pity for myself.  No holding back.  No sinking in sorrow.  No falling into a pit of despair.  Got it.  Trust has many meanings.  There are legal definitions, moral ones, academic ones…. All kinds.  But here is what websters says Trust means:  Trust:  a : assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b : one in which confidence is placed.

There it is.  I know my God, I know His promises.  I know that He set me on this journey seven years ago.  I know that there is a provision, a blessing in not passing.  I don’t know what that is.  I don’t know what is going to happen over the next six months……but I KNOW in the pit of my soul, where my heart beats, that His plan is perfect……my confidence is placed in Him.

I am not going to pretend I am not disappointed.  Likely when this slumber party is over, and the girls are gone, I am going to take a “me” moment and cry.  Not with pity, not with defeat, not with hopelessness, not even out of fear….. I will cry because I believe that God gives us tears to cleanse the hurt out.  When I am done, I will focus on tomorrow.  I will focus on what needs to be done to climb the mountain.

Ruthless trust does not mean I won’t hurt……..ruthless trust means that when everything looks like the odds are stacked against me, I will turn my face to the One that sustains me.  I am willing to ride in that car, with Him behind the wheel – even if I  have no idea where it’s going.  My confidence is grounded  in the belief that the road was paved before me.


  1. Hang in there.
    There is DEFINITELY a plan. :)

  2. I am so glad you have that feeling of peace to look back on and carry you through this!

  3. I really like how you are approaching this! I'm glad you know that God has everything figured out for you already.

  4. Just getting a chance to check back in . . . and your choice to place your trust in Him is an awesome one. What God has for you is for you and only you and you must trust in HIS plan :) He has things in store for you that you can't even imagine and you were EXACTLY RIGHT - he did not open this path for you only to shut it down (but you know all of this already).

    Have your moment (you're human!), but keep your head up . . . he's simply setting you up to receive His blessings!


    ~ Lauren