Friday, March 19, 2010

The Breakdown.......mental, emotional, spiritual, physical

I have alluded to this phenomenon a few times in the past years, but I am not sure that I have spelled out what happens to a person when things get overwhelming.  Once every semester, you will hit the "Wall".....I have talked about this wall a few times but never to the extent that I think people can understand how devastating it can be.

For me, the "Wall" involves just wanting to hide from the world.  Everything seems overwhelming.......EVERYTHING.  Class, people, work, family, EVERYTHING.  It is like the joy is just sucked right out of you and you feel like crying.....this is definitely the way it is for most women.  I have talked to many of my girl friends and have determined that we cry, eat ice cream and pull into ourselves during this time.  We are easily angered, become hostile, and blame it on severe PMS.  But the truth is, the stress has become way too much.

I hit my wall this week.  The strangest thing pushed me over the daughter's fish died.  A fish, that's right, a stupid 4 dollar fish.  I lost it.  Cried, drank some rum, ate some ice cream, and posted modelin stuff on facebook.  I didn't want people around me, yet I did.  Tip #1 for those of you reading, let your friends be there for you.............

In the past I have pushed people away thinking I was crazy for feeling this way.  Thinking that I am alone as a single parent, and I must always be strong and never show my vulnerability, I have not asked for or accepted emotional help during this time.....which honestly perpetuates the depression, because that is what it is plain and simple.  One friend saved me....literally, through laughter and something to look forward too.  Her husband is out of town, and he took the boys.....she sees my facebook and calls me with this, "Hey, D is out of town this weekend, how about you come over and we have a one night stand without the sex!"  Complete with food, liquor, and hot tub!  I laughed so hard, and it gave me something to look forward to.

Tip #2---find and cling to your center.  I am a Christian and believe that coming to law school is my calling and purpose in this life.  Law school challenges faith beliefs like nothing you will ever experience.  If you do not cling to what you belief, renew yourself daily, and march forward through the muck, you will get deeper and deeper in the pit of dispair.  Now, if you are not a Christian, there are other morals, beliefs, and things that you find your center in......maybe metitation, yoga, physical exercise...whatever.  Find it, pursue it and let it bring you some comfort.  You will need it.


  1. Hi, How did you do it? I am a single mom, seriously contemplating how i could do it - mainly - do you quit your the loans cover all the living expeneses on top of tuition? I would need to pay for rent, daycare, health insurance, etc...or do you keep a job as well? I would love your input..I am 35 years old and single mom to a 5 year old, I just want to make the best decision to better our lives. Any input you have would greatly be appreciated! sarah

  2. This post was meant for me. Thanks for the knowledge and empowerment

  3. Thank you for this post. I am in my 4th yr of law school and a single parent of a 12 yr old boy (i have been going year round part-time) and i have had this exact feeling. I don't think people can understand it if they have not gone through it and it doesn't help to try to explain it to them. I also lost my father last month and i am doing everything i can to stay focused in order to graduate in December. It helps to hear/read that someone else has the same struggles. Thank you again.

  4. Hang in there. I know it's hard. I had something REALLY difficult happen to me the 2nd semester of my first year and my focus was horrible at that time. It drug out over the next year and was horrifying. It was hard to deal with what I had to in my "real life" and deal with the pressures of law school as well. But I did. You have made it this far, you will get there! I know you will.