Sunday, October 26, 2008

My worlds colliding.....

Every once in a while, it feels as if all my worlds come to a head. Maybe worlds is not the correct terminology, rather the many hats that I wear. The hat of a mother, a woman, a student, a daughter, a sister, a friend, and employee..................Sometimes they collide. Juggling the variety of issues that a single parent has to in order to attend law school is tough to say the least.

I admit that I have been in a funk lately because I feel most overwhelmed by the constant juggling. Sometimes, I just want to be a mom. I worry that all the other demands on me will adversely effect my child. Sometimes I worry that she will feel that the job or my studies are more important than her. The truth is that I do this because of her. Because someday I want her to have an example of what it means to chase your dreams. I want her to have the things I did not have growing up. I want her to be able to go to any school she desires, and for money to not be an issue. I want her to understand the importance of an education and to value what one can do for your life.

But, when it is dark and I am by myself with my thoughts, I wonder if she will resent the sacrafices that she has had to make. She said to me the other day, "I hate law school. Why can't you be a regular mom!" I don't know what that is.......a "regular" mom. Maybe there is no such thing and if she had that "regular" mom, she would yell for a normal one, I don't know.

I realize that in 19 or 20 months, when I cross the stage for my law degree, this won't matter so much. It will seem like a dream. And I know she is proud of me and will be proud then too. I just wish that the hat of the mother and student were not so diametrically opposed to one another.

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